The Text That Couldn't Wait Until After Dinner
Welcome to another Toolkit Tuesday! Every week, our goal is to give you a practical leadership tool to put in your toolkit.
So There I Was . . .
…sitting across from a business owner I've been coaching, waiting while they answered "one quick email."
That's become a normal part of our sessions. At some point almost every time we meet, their attention goes somewhere else. Sometimes it's an email. Sometimes it's a text. Sometimes it's a "quick important phone call" that pulls them out of the conversation entirely.
I don't take it personally. This is someone who's great at what they do, and to them, being reachable all the time is part of being great. It's a badge of honor.
But it got me thinking. If I'm only getting part of them in a session they're paying for, what's their family getting at the dinner table? It turns out I didn't have to guess. The same thing happens at dinner. Calls and texts come in, and they get answered. Their spouse sees someone who's sitting at the table but almost never really there, and it's turned into the same argument over and over. When I've asked about it, the answer is always some version of "I'm doing this for them." More work means more business, and more business means a better life for the family.
I believe they mean it. I also know what it's like to get half their attention, and I only get it for an hour.
The Challenge
I've never heard anyone at a funeral say they wished the person they lost had worked more or provided more. I have heard plenty of stories about absent parents, and those stories end in sadness and regret.
That's the trap for a lot of driven leaders. The same drive that built the business is the reason the phone never leaves our hand. We get so used to running fast and focused that it becomes the only way we know how to operate, and we walk through the door at home at the same speed we had all day. The people at that table don't need our speed. They need us.
It isn't just a home problem. It's the team member who gets half your attention, or the meeting where one eye stays on the inbox. The best leaders aren't the ones producing results every minute. They're the ones who produce results and can also close the laptop, put the phone on Do Not Disturb and give the person in front of them their full attention. Those leaders exist, and they're the most effective ones I know, because they've learned to be present in a way that benefits everyone around them.
The Tool: 5 Gears
The email in our sessions and the text at dinner are the same problem. My client isn't working too hard. They're stuck in the wrong gear. We walked through the full framework in an earlier Toolkit Tuesday (read it here), so here's the short version.
5th gear is focus mode, fully locked in on a project. 4th gear is task mode: to-do lists, email and multitasking. 3rd gear is social mode, small talk and fun. 2nd gear is connect mode, going deeper with someone who matters. 1st gear is recharge mode, for rest and recovery.
Now put my client at that dinner table. A text comes in and they're instantly back in 4th, or 5th if it's a big deal. Their family is in 2nd, waiting for them to show up. Nobody at that table is wrong about what they need. They're just in different gears.
Living in 4th and 5th isn't the problem. Those gears built the business. The problem is that they can't get out of them. Getting to 2nd at dinner is the start, but honestly they need 1st just as badly. A leader who never rests can't hold any gear well for long.
The best part of 5 Gears is the shared language. Once your team and your family know the gears, you can say "I'm in 5th right now, let's talk in an hour" without feeling guilty. Some leaders close their office door with a note: "Do not disturb unless the building is on fire. In 5th gear." You can block time for 1st, 2nd and 3rd on the calendar and actually protect it, and 3rd belongs at work too, since that's where trust gets built. "You're never really here" starts a fight. "I've been stuck in 4th all week" starts a conversation.
Why This Matters Now
When you get the problem wrong, the fix is wrong too. If you think the problem is working too much, the answer is to work less, and most driven leaders won't do that (and probably shouldn't). If you think the problem is a spouse who doesn't understand the pressure you're under, you'll keep winning arguments while losing the relationship.
The real issue is the gear, and the holidays are coming fast. That means more family tables and more time off, right alongside year-end deadlines and a phone that won't stop buzzing. It's the season most likely to keep you stuck in high gear, and the one when the people at home will notice most.
The Result
When you learn to shift on purpose, you don't have to give up your drive to be there for the people you love. You can be all-in on 5th gear in the morning and fully in 2nd at the dinner table that night. Your team gets a leader who knows when to push and when to just talk. Your family gets you, not just what you provide. And you get real rest, which makes you better in every other gear.
Ignore it and you'll keep providing plenty while the people you're providing for slowly learn to live without you.
Take Action
Pick your landmark. Choose something you pass every day on the way home, like a certain stoplight or gas station, and make it your shift point. When you pass it, work stays in the car. Ask yourself what gear the people waiting for you need, and get there before you pull into the driveway.
Shift together. If you're not sure which gear you're stuck in, or you want to give your team the language, let's grab time on the calendar and work through it together.
Closing the Loop
Last week I guessed that it takes real effort for my other client to switch from the day they just had into the evening their family needs. This week's client shows what happens when nobody makes that switch.
We gave them the landmark idea. I don't know yet whether they'll use it. What I do know is that nobody will remember the texts they answered at dinner. Their kids will remember whether they were there.
So here's my question for you. What gear were you in at your last family dinner?
