Lessons from Special Operations on Overcoming Self-Preservation
Welcome to another Toolkit Tuesday! Every week, we aim to give you practical leadership tools to put in your toolkit.
What does it take to build influence or relational trust in the most high-stakes environments? I (Matt) learned the answer during my time applying to one of the world’s most elite military units, the 160th Special Operations Aviation Regiment (SOAR) . The pressure was relentless, the tests were grueling, and the fear of failure loomed large. In those moments, I came face-to-face with my own self-preservation instincts—those silent fears and insecurities that could have undermined everything. What I discovered about overcoming those fears not only helped me succeed but also shaped my approach to leadership and trust-building for the rest of my career to today. Let’s dive in!
Sunrise over the snow-capped mountains of Afghanistan, 2007. My wingman and I return to Bagram after a long night flying a combat mission in MH-47G helicopters—a moment of calm after hours of intensity.
The Challenge
Fear is one of the greatest silent barriers to influence. It causes us to build walls of self-preservation—walls that block authentic connection and trust. Whether it's the fear of failure, rejection, or vulnerability, these walls can hold us back from maximizing our potential as leaders. But what if there was a way to break those walls down and unlock greater influence?
Let me share a personal story to illustrate this point.
About halfway through my Army career, I decided to apply to the 160th Special Operations Aviation Regiment , one of the most elite helicopter units in the world. The application process was intense. After being accepted to the initial phase, I was scheduled for a week-long assessment at Fort Campbell.
The assessment was grueling. It included physical fitness and swim tests, mission planning and execution, psychological evaluations, and oral assessments. Adrenaline and stress were high throughout the week. I began to feel overwhelmed by thoughts of self-preservation. Questions like What am I afraid of losing? What am I trying to prove? consumed my mind.
Mission prep in the cabin of our MH-47D, 2005. I’m seated on the far right, briefing the crew on our responsibilities for the evening. Seated to my right is the ground force commander. On my left shoulder, the black ‘146’ patch honors the memory of Turbine 33, one of our aircraft lost to an RPG just two months earlier—a reminder we carried with us to never forget.
This fear of failure could have easily led me to overcompensate. Later in my career, as an instructor pilot evaluating other applicants, I saw this pattern often. Pilots who were nervous about rejection would come in boasting about their resumes and skills. This overcompensation, instead of inspiring confidence, signaled insecurity. It was a major red flag and often led to rejection unless their behavior changed quickly.
When it came time for my final board interview, I stood outside the room, dressed in my Class A uniform, reflecting on my choices. I could enter driven by fear or present myself with security, confidence, and humility. I chose the latter. The interview was tough, but I stayed grounded. In the end, I was accepted into the regiment, marking the start of an incredible 11-year journey in special operations.
Throughout my time there, I prioritized building relational trust —with commanders, peers, maintenance teams, and the soldiers & sailors we supported. Showing up consistently as secure , confident and humble became the key to maximizing my influence by building that relational trust.
The Tool: Self-Preservation
Self-preservation is a defense mechanism driven by fear. It builds an invisible wall that limits authentic connection and stifles trust. In leadership and relationships, this wall manifests as overprotection, insecurity, or attempts to prove ourselves. While self-preservation may feel protective, it often sabotages influence by creating barriers to trust and collaboration.
The Self-Preservation tool is designed to help leaders identify and overcome these tendencies, allowing them to maximize their influence through greater confidence, security, and humility.
How It Works:
The tool revolves around addressing three core questions to uncover the root of self-preservation tendencies:
What are you afraid of losing? Fear of losing status, control, reputation, or relationships can lead to behaviors like micromanaging or over-explaining. Understanding what you fear helps reduce anxiety-driven reactions.
What are you trying to hide? Many leaders fear vulnerability and try to hide weaknesses or mistakes. However, attempting to appear flawless can backfire, making you seem inauthentic or unapproachable.
What are you trying to prove, and to whom? Leaders often feel the need to prove their worth or competence, leading to overcompensation or arrogance. Identifying who you are trying to impress helps shift the focus from external validation to internal confidence.
Why This Matters
I did not have this tool when I was in the military, but I had some incredible leaders who helped mentor me. I learned through their challenge & support of me and I began to see that when self-preservation takes over, it undermines the four pillars of trust: character, chemistry, competency, and credibility.
Leaders who lower their walls of self-preservation can build stronger, more productive relationships and inspire others through authenticity and trustworthiness. I remember one of our Regimental Commanders, that in early 2002, while in Afghanistan, was a poster child for this concept. Any of us would have flown through the literal gates of Hell if he had asked us to, because we trusted him that much. In fact, on numerous missions it seemed just like that.
By addressing these three questions, leaders move from fear-driven behaviors to secure, confident, and humble leadership —traits that naturally increase influence and trust.
The Result
Leaders who overcome self-preservation build stronger, more productive relationships. By lowering the walls that fear builds, they increase trust, foster collaboration, and unlock greater influence.
Action Steps
Take time this week to reflect on your own self-preservation tendencies. Answer these three questions honestly:
What are you afraid of losing?
What are you trying to hide?
What are you trying to prove, and to whom?
Once you’ve identified your answers, take one small step to lower your wall. Whether it’s being more open with your team, asking for feedback, or simply letting go of perfectionism, every action builds trust and influence.
Let’s continue to maximize our influence by showing up as our most secure, confident and humble selves.
Final Thought
Look, we can’t teach you how to be a Special Operations Aviator or how to do open heart surgery in a combat zone on a warship anymore.
But at Khaki Consulting, we can partner with you and your leaders to develop the skills to lead with influence, trust, and purpose—fighting for the highest possible good of those you lead.
The best leaders develop other leaders. If you’re ready to build a high-performing team, let’s talk. Schedule a free strategy session, and we’ll explore how we can elevate your leadership and your organization.
